Think of the word spanking and let your mind go. Spanking images include a straight-backed chair, a strong lap, someone over the knee, panties pulled down, a nice round bottom, a cute squirming body, cries of protest and most of all a rosy, red, enticing, well-spanked bottom. I'll bet that you were not imagining anything leather, a cruel demeanor, an unrealistic scenario, heavy bondage or a brutally marked bottom. Yet, I see many people use the word spanking in place of what it really is showing – an outright beating or a cruel sado-masochistic interaction. These depictions are not only misleading and annoying but they are dangerous to our community.

The Essence of Spanking
Ask any born spanking person and they’ll tell you that spanking is not synonymous with pain. Spanking is about caring. It’s the soothing knowledge of having someone who ‘spanks you for your own good’. Someone cares enough to offer correction and guidance.

Most of us did not get that kind of attention when we were young. The discipline we received was generally unplanned and out of control. Generally we were yelled at, called names, put down or simply ignored. The ‘spankings’ were more like spontaneous smacks delivered by an angry, venting adult. There was no sense of consistency or fairness. Spanking is the opposite of tumultuous chaos. A spanking is well planned, predictable and very consistent.

The Ideal Spanker
Recently I was counseling a 45-year-old man who is trying to understand his spanking desires. He told me that he always imagined being spanked by the prototype of a ’50 mom’s. The kind of woman they used to show on TV. A mother who was wise, always home, devoted to her family and very dependable. A fictional woman but nevertheless someone who is able to provide the very things that most of us lacked growing up. My client imagined this woman to be Mrs. Cleaver from the old sitcom, ‘Leave It To Beaver’.

I asked him, “What is it about her?”

He replied, "June Cleaver possesses everything that my own mother lacked. Whereas my mother seemed frazzled and unable to cope, Mrs. Cleaver was a true ‘rock’ in her family. She always had the right answers and you knew she could be counted on no matter what."

This is the true idealization of what we all wish we had when growing up. Every child requires solid parents who they can depend on to fill their needs: food, shelter, comfort, and predictable boundaries. It’s this latter need that is most challenging. Children function best when they are taught acceptable behaviors. Clear guidelines are provided and accountability is required.

My client goes on to say, "You just know that you’d probably never disobey a woman like Mrs. Cleaver. But if you really stepped over the line, Mrs. Cleaver would eventually spank. And, if she did, it truly would be because she had exhausted every other form of punishment."

"The spanking would be firm but fair and well planned. I imagine it would be scheduled so that there would not be any displaced emotion. Mrs. Cleaver would not yell. She would be very calm. The discipline would begin with a reminder of your transgression. She would then invite you to lie over her knee."

"There would be no room for making a fuss. That would be unthinkable as you had time to mentally prepare for this punishment. Of course, you’d still dread taking down your pants but at this point you’d be resigned to the spanking. All of a sudden something would click and you’d mentally connect with what you did wrong. Tears would flow before you even felt one smack. That’s what a true spanking is – it’s not about being hit but the idea that you disappointed someone you love."

"The spanking would hurt and you’d think about it every time you sat down. You’d feel sorry and absolved by the end. I imagine that someone like Mrs. Cleaver would hug and comfort you after the spanking. I even go as far as to imagine her taking you into the kitchen for some milk and cookies when it’s all over."

Fulfilling A Deep-Seated Need
The above scenario really captures the underlying wish fulfillment behind the spanking fetish. It’s a need to be cared for, given attention, and receive proper guidance. Adult spanking gives us an opportunity to get something that we lacked when we were younger. For most of us this need is buried deep within our unconscious. It’s probably not something we’ve even entertained. Yet, we know we like the connection that spanking provides. It’s not really about the sting. It’s all about the warmth, the attention, the care and the intensity spanking adds to our adult lives.

Grown Up Spanking
It’s the powerful feelings that somehow translate to sexuality. And this is the puzzling part of our fetish. How come we have sexualized something that is associated with childhood punishment into something that is part of our sexual repertoire? The answer is that the human brain does not always make clear distinctions between past and present emotions. Spanking or associations of spanking conjure up powerful feelings. These sense memories lay dormant in our minds and re-emerge when we become sexual human beings.

Strong feelings or memories are packaged and experienced differently as adults. Most people who engage in spanking play as adults, do not mix sex and spanking together at the same time. Spanking thoughts, or actual spanking, is a catalyst. If we are actually engaging in spanking play, the spanking is done first and sex happens later. The sex happens because we are turned on. Not so much about the physical act of the spanking (though there is a bit of physical sensation produced by the friction of genitals rubbing against a lap) as the strong emotional feelings attached to spanking and the accompanying buzz words and scenarios.

The reality about grown up spanking is that it is not truly about discipline. It recaptures certain feelings from our youth but it is not helpful to spank for real reasons. We can do re-enactments or role-plays that may remind of us of things from our past. We can capture the feelings that we crave in an adult way with a clear understanding of the fact that we are playing with fantasy. In the moment of the spanking we can still get the feeling of being loved and cared about. In an intimate relationship those feelings can then be brought into the bedroom to be expressed in an adult fashion.

Spanking and Pain
Real spankings and the psychological make up of the adult spanking fetish is definitely not about inflicting a lot of pain. The idea of the kind of caning that Michael Fey experienced in Singapore is not appealing to a true adult spanking fetishist. It doesn’t mean that we might not be a little curious but I don’t think that kind of interaction describes ‘a spanking’.

Spankings might include some use of implements such as paddles, straps, belts or the cane. Paddles are synonymous with school memories. Belts or straps are very domestic. Canes conjure up thoughts of British nannies. These implements are used with the intent to correct by someone who wants to teach a lesson. They are a last resort when an over the knee hand or hairbrush spanking isn’t enough.

Paddlings, strappings and canings are not necessarily spankings but do fall within the realm of punishment for those of us who are spanking fetishists. When we think of a traditional spanking, some of us think of these implements and some of us don’t. This stepped up form of punishment can certainly be used within the context of nurturing, positive portrayal of discipline. On the other hand floggers, single tailed whips and riding crops used for the sake of administering a whipping have absolutely nothing to do with spanking or corporal punishment.

Some of us do enjoy being pushed to our limits. That hard-core interplay of implement usage is sometimes what it takes us to get to the deeper emotions we feel. Or, some of us enjoy heavier play the way others enjoy extreme sports. We want to see how much we can take. As long as the interactions are consensual, I see nothing wrong.

Spanking With Bondage or S/M
The image of being tied down does not go hand and hand with spanking. It’s incorrect to tie someone down and spank them. You night use bondage in conjunction with a paddling or cropping. But you would absolutely never tie someone down over your knee and give him or her a spanking. The image is all wrong. Can you even imagine our model spanker, Mrs. Cleaver attempting this? It’s simply inaccurate to pair a spanking with any kind of restraint.

Spanking is also not really in line with Bondage & Discipline. I found that out the hard way when I personally started to explore my fetish. I ‘came out’ pre-internet so I really had to research spanking activities. I happened upon a well-known Bondage Club in Los Angeles. I attended many events with the hope of seeing or participating in some spanking action. Instead I encountered masters, mistresses and slaves. What’s that? My head was into traditional spanking scenarios – employer spanking employee, teacher spanking student. The concept of a mistress and slave seemed unreal and fabricated. All I wanted to do was feel someone over my lap!

I felt very confused when I attended those meetings. I knew I liked spanking but felt turned off by the concept of one human being controlling another. I really took offense to the terminology of ‘slave’ as that seemed so derogatory to any human being. I also disliked the self-congratulatory concept of a ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’. Just because someone enjoys doing certain things doesn’t mean they are ‘better’ or ‘lower’ than someone else. When I questioned people about my basic turn on which was good-old fashioned over the knee spanking, I remember being told, “Spanking is like kindergarten. It’s the bottom of a ladder. As you learn more, you’ll want to do other things.”

My fetish was so strong that I stuck around. I even listened to club members and started to partake in traditional dominant/submissive activities. I enjoyed learning about other fetishes and enjoyed helping others enact their fantasies. I have participated in almost every single Dom/sub fantasy/fetish imaginable but when it comes right down to it: I like to feel a naked bottom over my knee. I’m a spanking person. Spanking is what turns me on. And, spanking is not really an activity in the B/D and S/M community.

The B/D and S/M community uses the word ‘spanking’ interchangeably with a flogging or whipping. Sometimes slaves are given hard ‘beatings’ with implements like single tail lips in order to be broken. Again, this is not spanking. Along the same line, some submissives want to take an exceptionally hard beating in order to prove their love and devotion. This again is not even close to the mindset of a spankee who never really wants his punishment but usually submits because there’s no choice or the consequence is too great.

Unacceptable
It’s the beating part of spanking that has absolutely nothing to do with this fetish. By beating I think of someone getting hit hard for absolutely no purpose. A welted, beaten, bruised bottom is NOT a well-spanked bottom; it’s a welted, beaten bruised bottom. I hate having the two connected.

Recently I’ve been appalled by what I see posted on the internet. I love spanking and I feel personally insulted at the way it’s been dishonored. Beating up males or females to the point of creating damaging marks is absolutely intolerable to me. Would our kind, all knowing, perfect fantasy spanker Mrs. Cleaver ever bloody a bottom? Absolutely not. So creating an image like that and terming it a spanking is incorrect. Don’t call it a spanking. Call it what it really is – a brutal beating.

Maybe some want to see beatings and that’s fine with me (as long as all participants are willing). I just don’t want that kind of portrayal to be connected with something I hold near and dear to my heart: a good old fashioned, over the knee spanking. I am all about free speech and not blighting anyone’s art. But do not give our fetish a tainted name. Do whatever you want, but don’t call it “spanking”.

A Spanking Image
A real spanking image conveys that feeling of warmth, security and love. A well-spanked bottom is a smooth, red behind. It is a bottom that’s been spanked and loved.

We in the spanking community are good, kind, non-violent people. Many of us did not get something when we were young. We have found a safe, beneficial way to get some of our deep-seated needs met. In the process, we join together and have fun. Lovers of spanking are bonded in a way that few will understand.

We enjoy the closeness that giving or getting a spanking allows. Other than spanking, we live ‘normal lives’ and are well-respected members of our community. Spanking is a non-violent, endearing fetish that brings us pleasure. We don’t ever want to blemish our love of spanking with inaccurate, violent images.

In Summary
Adult spanking is connected to feeling of nurturing. It’s a way to express care, provide pleasure, and in an intimate relationship it is a catalyst for sex. Spanking allows for insightful psycho dramatic experiences when roleplays are involved. The spanking fetish is very cerebral. The physical part of spanking is secondary to the emotional gains. The spanking fetish provides, intimate, healing, soothing interplay between consenting adults. Spanking is about an experience; it’s far from a mindless beating.

- Jacqueline Omerta

Jacqueline Omerta is a professional counselor with an expertise in sexuality and fetish behavior. She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and over 20 years experience with sexual fantasy and fetish. She is the president and co-founding member of PFI Media Services. She writes and directs all scenarios and story lines for PFI movies. She overseas the production of all movies in order to insure authenticity and accurate portrayal of the spanking fetish and lifestyle. She is available for consultation through the contact information below.