We can all remember looking up the word ‘spank’ in the dictionary and feeling titillated. Our ears perk up anytime we hear a reference to spanking when watching TV. We relish and hide any spanking products we may have bought, rented or ‘borrowed’. When we see someone we are attracted to, our thoughts go to spanking play with that person rather than actual sex. We can’t help but think about spanking during sex or masturbation.

While we enjoy our spanking interludes, we also feel ashamed. How come we derive pleasure from something that was intended to give us pain? Why do we as adults identify so strongly with an activity associated with childhood angst? What is it about spanking that we really enjoy? Why is it that our spanking thoughts resurface no matter how many times we have tried to make them go away?

No matter where we fall on the spectrum, one thing is an absolute definite. All of us at some point grapple with the issue of being ‘sexually different’ in our prudent society. Spanking is definitely not a topic we can discuss with our co-workers, friends or family members. We instinctively know that it’s something they just won’t understand. Those of us who have tried it will concur that in the long run it was something we wish we hadn’t done.

Society Supports The Shame
Spanking is a fetish that is completely misunderstood by society. Ironically, at the moment, spanking is taboo while S/M and leather are ‘in’. It’s hip to depict gorgeous actresses dressed in skin-tight leather fighting and over-powering strong men. Fetish dress and erotic bondage are mainstream in Hollywood. Even homosexuality and lesbianism are considered ‘chic’. But when it comes to turning a grown woman or man over a lap and administering a spanking…wait a minute – the line stops there!

I personally found that out the hard way. In Los Angeles we have something called ‘The Learning Annex’. It’s a huge community based educational resource where people are invited to give classes on any conceivable topic from cooking to comedy; from real estate to S/M. Yes, that’s right. There are two alternative lifestyle classes offered: ‘The Art of Bondage’ and ‘How to be a Dominatrix’.

I submitted a proposal to teach ‘The Erotic Nature of Spanking’ designed to explore and understand the connection between sexuality and spanking. I was turned down. Why? The Learning Annex felt it was too controversial a topic. Spanking is associated with childhood activity and therefore was construed as being taboo. Piercing, tattoos, whipping, bondage and all of the other stuff associated with S/M are OK but spanking is not.

The old guilt and shame associated with spanking immediately came to the forefront. Even though I have written a book, gone on TV shows, produced and appeared in hundreds of spanking productions, played with many, many people and have spoken about spanking umpteen times, in that moment….I felt dirty and weird. That’s why I say that no matter how seasoned a player, no matter how OK we think we feel about spanking, at times our love of spanking makes us feel bad. After all, we are only human.

Where Does The Spanking Fetish Come From?
There’s no definitive answer as to why someone is or isn’t precluded to spanking. Some of us remember being spanked as children while many of us were never spanked at all. Yet most of us can remember thinking and being exposed to spanking when we were pretty young. Perhaps we witnessed a spanking, heard a spanking, received a playful birthday spanking or saw one on TV. Some of us do remember getting spankings and we definitely didn’t like them.

So, why the turn on? To a young person, spanking is frightening but also charging at the same time. Fear is a powerful emotion that is felt in the body. The body remembers the charge physiologically and for some of us that scary moment became eroticized on a subconscious level. We protected ourselves by sexualizing the spanking.

Generally the feelings lay dormant until we become sexually active. Then out of nowhere, we remember spanking as a powerful erotic charge.

Can I Make This Spanking Fetish Go Away?
How do you handle these feelings of being different? What can you do to make sure spanking doesn’t affect your self worth? How can you function in a sexual relationship regardless of whether your partner is a spanking person or not? These are the issues we all face as people who love spanking.

One thing can tell you unequivocally. Your love and desire for spanking will not go away. The connection between early body sensation and erotic emotion is too powerful to break. Many of us have tried to will ourselves to not like or think about spanking. We push our desire deep down and try and tell it to go away. But just like a homosexual cannot go straight, (despite some religious zealots who claim otherwise) or a transvestite cannot stop dressing, neither can our desire for spanking leave. It is simply too embedded in our subconscious.

I have met thousands of spankos. The desire is definitely stronger at some times than other times but it never completely dissipates. Many have told me they have spent years squelching their desire and then finally give in. That’s why I have spanked many 50 year old virgin spankos. No matter how much we want to deny the fact we like spanking, sooner or later the desire outweighs the guilt. I have spanked cancer survivors, Iraqi war veterans, and people who are suffering from long-term illness. These people faced or are facing death and have come to terms with the fact that spanking is an integral part of their being. They don’t want to leave the planet without finally indulging in their passion.

Let’s Talk About Guilt
A desire for spanking is something that forms early in life. It’s part of our sexual development. At this moment, there is not definitive explanation other than to say spanking was experienced as a charged event during our early years. The experience is generally buried until adolescence when it reappears as part of our developing sexuality. It is something that happens subconsciously and without premeditation.

Guilt in and of itself implies purposefulness. Since we did not purposely choose to like spanking, are we then guilty of mindfully choosing spanking as part of our sexual repertoire? Not at all. Spanking is something that happens in and of itself. We are not guilty of anything.

Shame is a feeling that we are doing something wrong. Is it really incorrect to engage in something that gives us pleasure and fulfillment? Again, the answer is no.

Spanking is a desire that is beyond our grasp. Thankfully, it is merely a part of our adult sexuality that allows us to feel pleasure and ultimately sexual fulfillment. Every spanko I know thinks about spanking at the moment of orgasm. Is that something to be ashamed of? Are your thoughts really hurting anyone? Again the answer is no.

Some Closure
Normalization is the key to helping you overcome shame and guilt about spanking. You did not choose to like spanking; spanking chose to like you. Your thoughts and sexuality belong to you and you alone. You have the right to choose and share these feelings or not. You are not obligated to tell anyone who doesn’t feel safe.

Allow yourself to enjoy a harmless daydream that is perfectly safe. Spanking is merely a fantasy. We like the look of a well-formed bottom turning red by our hand. We enjoy the feel of having our bottom spanked. It’s similar to getting a stimulating massage.

Another benefit. Spanking is a way to work out issues of an abusive or neglectful past. Spanking is done to correct, teach a lesson and show that we are loved. Sometimes there is a longing in the context of adults who want to be spanked. There’s buried longing to be cared for, motivated or learn a lesson. Spanking is a way to re-parent and self soothe. It can actually be healing and very similar to a psycho dramatic form of therapy.

Spanking has different meaning and context for each of us. That’s why we need to communicate our desires when playing. Spanking isn’t always sexual but it is always intimate. Trust and communication are essential before lying over someone’s knee and baring your soul.

Spanking is the most psychologically connected fetish in our culture. Perhaps that’s why it’s so misunderstood by the public and feared by those of us who enjoy. Your comments are welcome. Remember, I understand and care.

- Jacqueline Omerta